


Only if for a Night

by childofsurprise



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Abusive home, Age Difference, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Biting, F/M, Friends With Benefits, Friends to Lovers, Hurt/Comfort, Love Confessions, Miscommunication, Mutual Pining, Rey is a Palpatine (Star Wars), Self-Harm, Sexual Experimentation, Virgin Rey (Star Wars), both adults and consenting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-28
Updated: 2020-12-28
Packaged: 2021-03-11 01:34:59
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,844
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28387104
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/childofsurprise/pseuds/childofsurprise
Summary: Rey Palpatine works at her grandfathers' farm, looking after the land and him. When he says the local doctor, Benjamin Solo, will be moving in, she makes no complaints. Now she's free to admire him from up close as well as from afar.When Sheev Palpatine offers Ben a live in job, he jumps at the offer. Now, he's free to admire Palpatine's grand-daughter  from up close as well as from afar.Will they meet in the middle?Uncle Vanyaby Anton Chekhov AU
Relationships: Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Comments: 8
Kudos: 36





	Only if for a Night

**Author's Note:**

> **Mind the tags**
> 
> _This story contains descriptions of alcoholism, abusive home environment and self harm._

The sun shone through the dirty window, its beams turning grey within the wide room. Although it was June, the air had a chill running through it. Snoke’s fingers drifted through the beams as he sat in the chair in the Palpatine’s country estate. Ben Solo, the local doctor, paced about the door, between the dining table, the chairs, across the open space to the living room, where Snoke sat in silence. The floorboards creaked under his feet, dust escaped in miniature clouds as he walked past. His eyes surveyed the moulding walls, the damp ceilings. A grand piano sat in an open corner, its notes peeling off their station, a guitar left forgotten behind it. 

Snoke sat up, adjusting the blanket around his body, and poured the tea from the glass table in front of him.

“Have some tea.”

“It’s the last thing I need,” Ben said, coming to rest in front of the window which gazed out into the orchard.

“I suppose you’d prefer vodka.” The old man remarked, dryly. Ben rounded on him. 

“What makes you say that? I’m not dependent, you know. I’m not addicted. It’s too hot anyway.”

Silence fell between the two men. Ben sighed deeply and resumed staring out of the window. He made a stab at conversation when the silence became too crushing to bear. 

“I’m trying to work out how long we’ve known each other, you and I,” Ben spoke through gritted teeth although his tone was light. 

“How long? Lord knows. Well, when you first arrived in these parts, Rey’s mother was still alive, wasn’t she? And probably Judith lasted a couple of years afterwards. And that would be – what? – eleven years ago? Maybe more.”

“And do I seem much changed?”

“Ahh, my boy.” Snoke crooned, settling back into his brown leather chair. “You do.”

He did not know how to respond to that so left it. Instead, he watched as the butterflies flittered around the garden, swopping and swirling together in a blaze of colour. Snoke made no effort at conversation, preferring to sip his tea noisily. Ben longed to stuff his fingers in his ears, to leave this house this instant. But he couldn’t. Not yet. 

As though he had manifested her, he heard her voice from the garden. Accompanied by her grandfather's gnarly one. Before long, they were rounding the corner, arms linked together, the old man leaning heavily upon her. Rey. She looked as beautiful as ever in the summer light; her auburn hair turning almost to gold as it hit the light, her eyes shining. Her clothes, although clearly hastily shoved on blue dungarees and a brown top with matching shoes, fitted her superbly, curving their way around her body like a vine around a tree. Ben forced himself to look at the tree instead. _She’s off-limits._ He repeated this mantra each time they came into contact. Which was often, if he had his way.

“Magnificent! The lake! The views alone.” Palpatine raved as the door swung open and Rey escorted him inside. 

“They are special, aren’t they, Your Excellency?” Snoke bowed his head. Ben nodded but did not stray from the window. 

“We’ll go tomorrow and see where the new woods have been planted, Grandfather, if that suits you?” Rey’s musical voice chimed up.

“Now everyone’s back, let’s have some tea.” Snoke coughed meaningfully. Ben turned and began to body himself with the tea, feeling Rey’s eyes upon him, heart rising under his collar. 

“Not for me, I’m going to have mine in my study. I still have a lot of work to finish.” Palpatine waved his hand and began to make his way to the staircase. 

“The new woods really are worth the effort.” Rey tried a last-ditch at optimism as she followed him, to ensure he did not fall down the steps. The remaining men allowed silence to fall once more, listening as they heard their footsteps upon the landing and a door shutting. 

“And even in this heat, the great public intellectual goes out in his overcoat and galoshes. Not forgetting his umbrella. Not forgetting his gloves.” Snoke remarked, snarkily, setting his cup down. 

“Fair enough. He looks after himself.” Ben deflected the comment, taking a seat at the dining table. 

“And walking beside him – probably the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen in my life.”

Ben gripped the chair next to him and thought briefly of flinging it at the old man. He made no move, however, deciding to ignore the comment. 

“I’ll take that vodka now, I think.” 

Snoke’s lip curled, a note of smugness entering his voice. “Good boy. It’s in that cabinet over there.”

He fetched the aforementioned vodka, pouring himself a glass and drinking it down swiftly. It burnt his throat, distorting him enough from his presence but not enough to forget Snoke’s words. He poured another straight away and drank it down. The world seemed softer now, words less penetrable against his skin. He stuck out his hand to where the sun's rays fell and watched as it danced across his fingertips. 

He felt a hand upon his back and spun around, almost catching Rey’s head with the bottle. 

“Good reflexes.” He commented, allowing her to pluck the bottle from his grasp. She blushed and set the bottle down on the table. 

“You don’t want any?” 

She shook her head. “I’m still working.”

“Ah.” He didn’t know where to look so settled for back outside, not looking at her, his own blush threatening his cheeks.

“Have you stopped working for today then? Are you here for something in particular?”

“You know very well, it’s your grandfather I’m here for.” He was still not looking at her. “You sent me a message saying how ill he was. Rheumatism, is that right? But he didn’t look too bad to me.”

“He was much worse yesterday. He said his legs were hurting, and he was depressed. But I must admit, today he seems fine.” Rey spoke to the floor, hating the crack in her voice. 

“And is that why I’ve just driven the twenty miles at top speed? All right, it won’t be the first time.” He conceded, with a sigh. Only then did he turn to face her, becoming a silhouette against the window. Her heart skipped a beat as he did, knowing what beauty the shadows were hiding. “And if I stay the night, at least I’ll be able to sleep for once.”

“And it’s a bonus for us. It’s so rare you stay the night. Have you eaten?” She gestured towards the kitchen in a feeble movement, as though the sheer presence of food would make him stay. 

“I haven’t.” 

“Good. Then you can join us. These days I’m afraid we eat at six. Or sometimes a little after.” She spoke quickly so he had no time to interject and took a sip of tea and made a face. “This tea’s cold.” 

Bazine strolled in, her mouth twisting to a smirk when she saw them. “Doctor, I’m sorry, but you’re needed.”

“Where?” He was alert now, starting to gather his thing from around the room.

“Somebody got hurt. They’re taking him up to the factory.”

“So, I don’t have much choice, do I?” He picked up his coat from eh back of the chair and turned back to Rey who covered her crestfallen face with her teacup despite her protestations only moments before. ”How annoying!”

“It’s frustrating.” She agreed. “But please – do come back for dinner.” How she hated the pleading tone that her voice had adopted. 

“I’m afraid it’s going to be too late. I want to but I can’t, I’d love to but I shan’t.”

“Tell us when we can expect you again.”

“I really don’t know.”

“Next month?” She was following him to the door now, balling her hands into fists so they did not betray her by reaching out for him.

He turned and shrugged, his face looking almost sad. His hands curled around her shoulders and he stooped, his lips pressing against her cheek so she inhaled his scent of cedarwood, vodka, and lavender. Without a word, he left, the door snapping shut behind him and leaving her alone in this dark house once more. 

☀️🌷☀️

June became July, the world spinning around the sun as it always did. Rey took to staying awake with her grandfather deep into the night, caring for him herself to save her from facing Ben Solo. On one such night, they sat together, dozing in the garden as the inside was hotter than the outside. Wildlife flittered around them, bussing gin their ears and diving into their sweet tea. As one landed upon his cheek, Palpatine woke up.

“Who is it? Who’s there? Rey, is it you?”

“It’s me.” She started awake, blinking rapidly. 

"Oh, it’s you. The pain is unbearable.”

“Your rug’s fallen. We should go in.” She retrieved it from the grass and tucked it around him.

“I’m better out here. I can breathe. I had a dream that I’d been given a left leg that wasn’t mine. Then I woke in agony. And it really isn’t gout. It’s obviously rheumatism. What time is it?”

Rey shrugged, curling up beneath her blanket, her eyelids falling shut once more and they fell into silence. 

“Can you please check in the morning?” 

Rey jolted upright. “Check for what did you say?”

“I said, look for Snoke if you don’t mind. He’s there, I’m sure he’s there. And why is it so impossible to breathe?”

"You’re just tired. You haven’t slept.”

“They say when Turgenev had gout, it developed into angina. I may be going the same way. Old age is unbearable. There’s nothing good about it. What’s worst, you actually repel yourself. And obviously, I repel everyone else.”

“You make it sound as if it’s our fault you’ve aged.” She muttered.

“You’re the first woman in my life to find me physically repulsive.”

At this, Rey stood up and moved away from him, wandering slightly into the orchard, watching the moths flutter around the naked bulbs which hung from the trees.

“I don’t blame you.” He continued. “Objectively. I’m not stupid. I understand. You’re alive and I’m dead. Do you think I don’t know that? And it’s a pure anomaly that I happen to be breathing. It’s an absurdity. I’m a walking corpse. But if you just wait patiently, I shall liberate you all. Not long now.”

“Can you please stop, can you stop talking like this?” She begged to no avail. 

“And in some extraordinary way, apparently it’s all my fault that everyone else is wasting their life and their youth, while I’m the only person having a whale of a time. Oh yes, that seems very plausible.”

“I have to warn you: I’m at the very edge of what I can put up with.” Her voice shook. 

“And we all know who drove you there.” He snarled. “I’ve seen you, simpering away after him. As if he’d ever want you, a pathetic innocent child.”

“All right, say!” She rounded on him, her voice cracking with emotion. “Say what you want from me! Tell me!”

“I want nothing.”

“Then, please, leave me alone. I implore you.” She wiped wet her face with her blanket. 

“And even stranger – strangest of all – when Doctor Ben Solo starts talking, everyone listens respectfully. But if I so much as open my mouth, everyone groans – on cue. At the very sound of my voice. All right, I can see I’m tyrannical and self-obsessed, but surely at my age, I’m entitled to be. Doesn’t there come a point – death is not far away – when people are finally entitled to think about themselves? And don’t they have the right to be looked after?”

“Nobody’s denying your rights.” Rey sighed. “It’s so hot it’s got to break soon. You have your rights. They’re yours. Nobody’s disputing them.”

"You live a purposeful life, you think, you study, your lecture, your colleagues respect you, it all seems to have meaning – and then suddenly you’re thrown into a darkened cellar, with stupid people, listening to their horrible conversation. I actually liked being famous, I liked being successful, I liked the acclaim. It suited me. But this place is like being sent into exile. I have three basic activities: a longing for the past, envying the success of others and preparing for death. That’s all. Those three things. They’re my life. And somehow everyone thinks it’s my fault that I’m old.”

“If it’s any consolation, give me five years and I’ll be old too.” She yawned. 

The front door banged and she went to see who it was. The sight took her breath away. Then she turned tail and fled back to the garden.

“Grandfather, did you send for Be- the doctor?”

“Yes, but tell him to go away.”

“Well, he’s here now and you refuse to see him. It’s rude. We dragged him here for no reason.”

“Well, I don’t want to talk to him. He knows as much about medicine as I do about astronomy.”

“Then don’t send for him! You seem to think the entire medical profession should be attending to your gout.” Her voice had risen to shout. Palpatine glared at her, coldly. 

“I have no intention of listening to such an ignoramus.”

“It’s up to you.” She sat down, tiredness overwhelming her. He was here, here after so long. And she was dressed in the same clothes she’d been wearing all day so she most likely stank to high heaven and had been asleep outside so her hair was in disarray. “It makes no difference to me."

“What time is it?”

“Gone midnight.”

“I can’t breathe. Rey, please get my drops.”

She handed over the drops from the table.

“Oh, for God’s sake, these are the wrong ones. Can’t you get anything right?”

“Spare us your tantrums, please, they may work with some people, they don’t work with me. I have to get up in a few hours for the haymaking.” 

“All right, go to bed. We’ll talk later.”

She found Ben lounging in a chair, his eyes closed, his hands around a vodka bottle. Rey looked in the mirror over the fireplace, smoothing her hair down and arranging the straps on her dungarees. Better than nothing. She laid a gentle hand on him.

“Doctor.” Nothing. She leaned further into him, her mouth inches from his ear. “Ben. You’re not asleep, are you? Can I have a word?”

He got up with a start, nearly crashing into her. She leapt backward as he lurched out of the chair, holding his bag between them like a shield. “Rey. Uh… What can I do for you?”

“I just want to say: drink as much as you like, but please leave my grandfather out of it. It’s bad for him.”

“Then no more drinking.” He swallowed and nodded, putting the bottle down on the table. “It’s settled. I’m going home.”

“It’s about to rain. Don’t go yet.” Again, her voice trembled and she hated it. Her stomach also growled and she sucked it in, blushing, hoping he didn’t notice. 

“The storm’s going to miss us. Just by a bit. I’m off. And please don’t ever send for me to see your grandfather again. I say it’s gout, he says it’s rheumatism. I tell him to lie down, he immediately stands up. And today he wouldn’t even talk to me.”

“I know. He’s spoilt. People have spoilt him.” She headed to the kitchen, in search of food. “Are you hungry? I can easily find you something.” She hastily grabbed some cheese from the fridge, alongside some bread from the side and chutney. She plucked the breadknife from its display as well as one of the smaller ones and carried it back through. 

“I’d like that.”

“There’s nothing better than a midnight feast. Here, have some cheese.” They sat upon the floor, facing each other, their knees almost touching from their crosslegged stances, the plate of food between them. In her time in the kitchen, he had lit some candles and placed them around the room. They cast long shadows upon the floor and lit up his face. He looked beautiful; the arch of his cheekbone, the strength of his jaw, his eyes gleaming in the light. 

They both reached out for the food, their hands brushing together. As they made contact, neither moved, staring at where their hands met in the dim, still room. 

“If I profane with my unworthiest hand this holy shrine, the gentle sin is this,” Ben murmured, not realising she could hear each word. 

“My lips, two blushing pilgrims, ready stand to smooth that rough touch with a tender kiss.” She finished for him. He pulled away from her, picking up the breadknife and sawing away as he spoke, hastily filling the quiet. 

“I’ve been drinking. I haven’t eaten all day. Your grandfather is a difficult man. May I?” Without waiting for an answer, he stood, plucked the vodka bottle from the table, and drank. When he sat back down, he sat a little way off so they did not touch anymore. An invisible hand curled around Rey's heart and squeezed. 

“There’s no one around, I can speak frankly.” He continued. “I don’t think I’d survive a month in this house. I’d suffocate. Your grandfather’s only interested in art or gout. Snoke wrapped up in his own depression. And– And that’s it. It’s a life without responsibility and with other people doing everything for her. And sorry, a life without activity can never have meaning.”

Silence fell. She did not know where to look to cast off his words and felt like bursting into tears. Or laughing. Was her life really so pathetic from outside eyes? No wonder he wanted nothing to do with her. 

“You can tell me if you like, that I’m too harsh.” His tone was gentle, he edged forward and rested a hand on her knee. “I’m turning into Snoke, doing nothing but complain.”

“Are you unhappy with your life?” She dodged and stuffed cheese in her mouth before she could say something stupid. His hand stayed on her knee, warm, solid, sending waves through her body. 

“I love life. It’s this life I can’t bear. The old uncultured provincial life. That’s what I hate, and I hate it with my whole being. If it’s my personal life you’re asking about, honestly, it’s entirely without value or interest. You know when you’re walking in the forest at night, you see a light somewhere in the distance. You don’t care how tired you are, or how branches keep ripping into your face. It doesn’t matter how small the light is, as long as it’s there. I work harder than anyone I know – you know that – and fate is forever ripping into me – but there’s no light for me to head towards. None. I don’t expect anything for myself, because I no longer like people very much. It’s a long time since I was fond of anyone.”

“Is there really no one?” Hope fluttered within her soul like a butterfly.

“Well, all right, maybe there is someone. For nostalgic reasons.” He looked away, removing his hand. “All the people we know – well, they don’t think very deeply, do they? They don’t feel very much, and nobody could call them perceptive.” He smiled wryly as he reached for the bottle again. 

“Oh, please don’t, please don’t have anymore.”

“Why not?”

“Because it’s not the real you. You’re cultivated and sweet and serious, and you have such a gentle voice, and actually, everything about you is unusual. So I don’t know why you want to drink and ruin that. You’re always saying that people trample on their own creativity. Then why are you destroying yourself? Please don’t.”

He set the bottle down and held out his hand to her.

“All right, I’ll stop.”

“Give me your word.”

“I will stop drinking.”

She took his hand; it was massive against her own. Ben caught it, twisted them, and kissed her knuckles. His mouth was soft and warm against her hands and she wondered how they feel against hers. A fire awoke within her.

“Just promising to do it has sobered me. Look, I’m sober. And this is how I shall be for the rest of my life.” He looked at his watch. “Anyway, onwards.”

Driven on by this awakening, by the safety of darkness, she spoke;

“Can I just ask a theoretical question? A hypothetical? Say I had a friend, or say a younger sister, and it transpired … Let’s say she loved you. What would your reaction be?”

Ben shrugged and that simple gesture drove a dagger into her heart. 

“Hard to say. Depends who. No reaction, probably. I’d tell her it’s hopeless. When it comes down to it, I’m just too busy. I’m not the right man. I’m probably too old. So, if I’m to leave, I must leave now. Or we’ll be here all night.

He squeezed her hand, sending a thrill through her, and made to stand but she pulled him back down.

“So be here all night. With me. Please.”

Ben did not pull away but sighed. “That’s not a good idea.”

“It’s the right one though.” She said, unthinkingly. “You can be warm and safe and have breakfast and sleep and I… I won’t be alone.” She ended simply, sounding pathetic to her ears. Before she could stop herself from thinking, she leaned over and kissed him. 

His mouth was warm and tasted of the meal they were sharing. He responded a beat after her, kissing her back before he pushed her away with his hands. His hazel eyes met hers, glinting in the light as though he was near tears.

“It’s not smart.” He urged her, his eyes drifting to her mouth. “I’m not right for you.”

“I’m not asking you to marry me.” She half laughed although it tugged at her heart. “Just to be with me. Please. Be with me.” 

He stood without sound, blowing out all the candles and she laid the rest of the food back in the kitchen. They met in the hallway, with him holding onto a solitary candle and her onto his hand. She led him to her room, closing the door. The room was small already, its black walls lined with markings of her day count, her single bed shoved into a corner, a sparse clothing rack across the wall, a desk with various dried flowers upon it, but with him inside it look even smaller. 

He crossed the room to her, pulling her close against him and kissing her once more. Her head spun, her breath lost, her legs trembling. It was different from how Rey had imagined it or heard it described. He was gentle, from his hands upon her body, to his head between her thighs. He whispered to her near constantly, hovering over her until she pulled him down to feel his weight. Pulled his body into hers with a cry. It was over soon, which seemed to be the only accurate thing she had heard, with him spilling over her stomach, a low rumbling coming from his chest, and nuzzling into her neck. 

As she tried to help clean up, her hands wrapping around his member with delicacy, it became like steel underneath. Within seconds, she sat upon him, his hands running across her body as though he was scared she’d disappear, her own upon his chest as her hips rolled with his. She enjoyed watching his eyes roll into the back of his head, his mouth dropping open, a sharp intake of breath. He was glorious and he was hers, only if for a night.

They feel asleep, a tangle of naked limbs, him engulfing her bed like the moon eclipsing the sun as she curled up atop him like a baby otter upon its mother. 

They awoke before sunrise, the sky outside grey and still as the birds sang out. The sound of voices, of the two old men and the younger woman, sounded also, growing dimmer as they disappeared into the grounds. When they would not hear them any longer, Ben slowly turned them around so she lay under him, her back brushing against his chest, her hips arching into his as he slipped inside of her again. Unlike last night, he made no move to stop her from crying out, instead tilting her face away from the pillow, his voice rich and deep in her ear assuring her he wanted to hear them all. Her back quickly became sticky as he groaned into her shoulder, biting her softly. 

She made to move but remained pinned by him. 

“You haven’t had a turn yet, sweetheart.” He whispered, pulling away from her and tugging on her legs until she was upon all fours in front of him, her body shaking with anticipation. His lips kissed her thighs, her derrière until his tongue slid inside of her. She cried out, burying herself into the sheets. As soon as she did, he stopped.

“What did we say, little one?”

She dutifully swept the pillows upon the floor, her hands curling around the headstand of her bed, her face turned to the side.

“Good girl.” She could hear the smile in his voice and then fell headlong into the sensation of his hands digging into her hips, his tongue brushing against her, toying with her until she was begging, near screaming for release. The world span, as he flipped her over, hooking her feet over his shoulders, and drove himself inside of her as pleasure took her for his own. He gave her no moment, no pause, as he thrust into her with an unrelenting pace. The bed banged against the wall in a rhythm, interceded by their moans. His hands seemed to be everywhere; running up and down her legs, holding her hips, stroking her stomach, curling around her waist, cupping her breasts as they bounced, resting tenderly upon her throat. He leaned down, kissing her fiercely, one hand braced against the wall, the other sliding from her neck to her clit. 

They finish together and after lay in the safety of the arms of the other, not wishing to leave but knowing they should. Ben kissed her forehead before he dressed and left without a word.

🍂🎃🍂

Autumn came, the leaves turning from green to brown and her grandfather becoming worse. He walked about, leaning on canes, shouting at them all hoarsely. He’d send for Ben only to send him away as Ben gave him answers he did not wish to hear. At each visit, Ben and Rey would find a room to hide away in and kiss until her grandfather yelled for her. She’d run through, her lips swollen, her hair in slight disarray, her clothes half hanging from her yet he did not seem notice as Rey shoved everything back into place, slipping into a jumper to hide the marks upon her neck.

A few weeks into October, Ben stayed the night once more. He’d sat in Rey’s chair as she had sunk to her knees to take him in her mouth. It was awkward at first, her teeth scraped against him making him hiss, her hair getting caught until he held it up for her, her hands wandering about unsure where to rest before settling upon his thighs. She worried he’d cut her off or send her away, instead, he’d made a sweet sound between a moan and a sigh and sank into the chair, muttering incoherently. 

After he’d pulled her up, into his lap, impatiently shedding her clothes and sinking himself into her. She’d muffled her cries into the nape of his neck, her fingers curling in his hair as her toes curled in response to his exploring her body. He’d made her shake, half-screaming into his hand which clammed over her mouth, her body feeling like it was on fire and floating away all at once. 

She awoke to an empty room the next morning.

Ignoring everybody, she wrapped herself in her comforter and sat in the music room, the piano covered by a sheet, staring out at the looming, sipping on vodka. It burnt her throat, her eyes unfocused, her body feel as though she were underwater yet her mind was blissfully silent. She didn’t turn when the door opened and tensed herself for a fight. 

“The air feels different. Did the storm miss us?” Bazine. Rey fought off a groan, pressing her head against the cold glass. “Where’s the doctor?”

“Gone.” _Duh._

“Rey, come on –“

“Come on what?” She turned, ready for a fight. She wanted one, wanted something, anything to take her mind off the fact she had been left again. Fatigue hit her like a ton of bricks and a lump formed in her throat. 

“How much longer are you going to refuse to speak to me? We’ve done each other no harm. Why do we have to be enemies? It’s not necessary.”

“I’m tired of being angry.” She admitted.

“Then there’s no need.”

“Has Grandfather gone to bed?”

“No, he’s still in the drawing-room. Sometimes weeks go by and we don’t speak to each other. I’ve no idea why. What’s this?” Bazine looked at the vodka bottle Rey had been sipping at.

“Oh, nothing.”

“Let’s drink to our friendship.”

“I’d like that.” Rey handed her the bottle, avoiding the touch of her fingers. She only wanted his to linger upon her skin. Her chest ached, her head ached, it seemed as if her very soul was weighted down.

“We’ll share. I always love doing that.”

Bazine took a swig, winced, and handed it back to Rey, who did not make a face but instead burst into tears. Bazine set the bottle down and sat down next to Rey, holding out her arms. Rey crawled into them, curling up as though she were a child. 

“Why are you crying?”

“I don’t know. That’s just who I am.”

“Don’t, or I’ll start crying as well. I knew why you’re angry. I can always felt those beady, suspicious eyes of yours. You mustn’t look at people like that. It’s wrong. It doesn’t suit you. You have to give people the benefit of the doubt.”

“Fine.” Rey pulled away from eh over woman, hiccuping and looking back out at the window. 

“Now that we’re friends, can I ask you something? Are you happy?” Bazine’s hand was on her leg. It wasn’t warm, solid like Bens and Rey fought the urge to kick her off. 

“No.”

“I guessed that. Do you like the doctor?”

“Of course I do.”

Bazine laughed. A high sound, that drilled into the silence. “I mean, are you attracted to him?”

It tumbled out before she could stop it and after felt like an elephant had stopped pressing upon her chest. “He left ten hours ago, but I can still hear his voice. I can hear his footsteps. When I look through the window, I see him. I don’t think there’s anything he can’t do. He treats the sick, he plants trees –“

“You deserve happiness.” Bazine interrupted her. “Does he feel the same way?”

Rey shrugged, casting her eyes downward. 

“Want me to ask him for you?”

“No! No, don’t. Just forget I told you anything, please. I have to go check on Grandfather.”

❄️🎄❄️

Winter came, bringing dark nights and icy winds. Ben came less, due to the snow which was beginning to fall and Rey waited each day, hoping he would. She’d think of him late at night, pretending the weight of her blankets was his atop her, her fingers his, biting her pillow. 

He came a few days before Christmas and ignored her over supper of leek and potato soup, for favour of talking to her relatives. She didn’t eat much of the soup, nausea setting in after the first few mouthfuls.

“You must stay here, doctor.” Palpatine and Snoke were insisting. “We simply cannot afford for you not to be here.”

“I have other patients!”

“They can go to Doctors Tico and Dameron for that.” Palpatine waved his hand dismissively. “And we’ll double your salary.”

“In that case,” Ben couldn’t help from glancing at Rey who stared sullenly into her food. “You must agree listen to what I say and not dismiss my diagnosis.”

Sheev Palpatine smiled that sent a shiver down Ben’s spine. 

They set him up in a room down the corridor from Rey’s, who had marched straight into her room and was ignoring him. He sighed and headed down to the dining room to fetch more of his belongings. He was corned by Bazine in there. 

“To be honest, I’m a little distracted. Because I’m meant to put you through a minor interrogation, and I’m embarrassed. I don’t know where to begin.” The words rushed from her mouth. 

“An interrogation?” Ben laughed, picking up his leather bag, hoping it would be over soon.

“Don’t worry, it’s not as bad as it sounds. It’s about a certain young woman. If we can talk to one another honestly. Let’s have the conversation, then forget it. Is that all right?”

“Of course it’s all right.”

“It’s about Rey. Do you like her?”

“Yes, I have great respect for her.”

“And do you find her attractive?”

He answered before his brain could catch his mouth. “Yes.” 

Bazine stretched out and took his free hand. 

“You must know that she’s suffering on your account.”

He pulled away from her roughly, holding his bag in front of him like a shield. 

“Really, I’m too old for that sort of thing. And even if I weren’t … When would I find the time?”

He shrugged, flushing.

“I can tell her if you like. Let her down gently.”

“No! No, just, let’s leave her to get it out of her system naturally, by herself, don’t, don’t do anything.”

“Perhaps if she saw you with someone else? More your age?” She stepped forward so he could see all her eyelashes. He shook his head yet closer she came still, her hands resting atop of his, her head titled. A door creaked nearby and he pushed her away. 

“I’m not interested in anybody. Goodnight.” With that, he turned and headed towards Rey’s room. 

Rey’s throat was dry and her glass was empty. She stood, wounding her dressing-gown about her, and headed down to fill it up again. She paused by the ajar dining-room door, hearing voices.

“I can tell her if you like. Let her down gently.” _Bazine._

And with a jolt she heard Ben speak also;

“No! No, just, let’s leave her to get it out of her system naturally, by herself, don’t, don’t do anything.”

“Perhaps if she saw you with someone else? More your age?”

Tears forming, Rey peeked around the door where she saw Bazine walking towards Ben, resting her hands upon him, tilting her head up to his. 

Rey turned and fled. 

Footsteps were following her so she slammed her door shut. Too slowly. His hand caught it and pushed the door open, looking down at her, concern swallowing his features.

“Rey, why, why are you crying?”

“Get out.” Her voice was hoarse, shaking, yet, at this current time, she did not care. 

“Can, can I help with-”

“I said, get out. Go be with, with,” She choked on her name, fury overwhelming her.

“I don’t want to be with anyone else.”

“Liar!” She released the door, causing him to stumble inwards. With those few seconds, she snatched up her empty water glass and threw it at him. He ducked, curling up as the spray of glass shards fell over him. His hands, which had touched her as if she were something precious, covered his head bore the brunt of the attack; lacerations and glass sprang from them like flowers in a meadow. He slowly raised up, stared at his hands and then at her. His mouth was open, his face drawn yet his eyes were wild. She drew herself up, summoning up her courage.

“I said, get out, Benjamin.”

He drew himself up also, his face turning into a blank slate. He silently stepped over the glass and left, slamming the door so it shook with the frame. She picked up a large part of the glass in her fingers, watching how it shone in the light of the moon. Then she rested it against her arm.

Everybody betrayed and left her in the end. 

She ignored Ben and Bazine after that. She would walk the other way if either of them came towards her, eat when she knew they would not be in the kitchen, spent most of her time walking the grounds, alone. She’d lie in bed at every opportunity, staring at the ceiling, imagining her death and the reactions of those around her. Especially his.

She’d sit in the bath, surrounded by once hot water, holding the original shard of glass. As the days passed, her arms, her chest, her thighs became a crisscross of marks. It was almost orgasmic as her skin was pierced, blood oozing from the cut. All her concentration went to that spot, all her thoughts, feelings, energy went to that spot and she was free for a few blissful seconds. Then she’d wash the wound, ensuring no glass had made its way into her body, and wrapped it in a bandage. Her long sleeves went unnoticed due to the season yet the back of her mind worried about the coming ones. 

She still thought of him at night, still imagined it was his hands, only this time tears came with it. 

The night of Christmas Eve, when her grandfather, Snoke and Bazine camped downstairs, she could not sleep. Tossing and turning, swapping out her duvet and comforter, rearranging her pillows. Nothing helped. Eventually, she padded down the hall to his room. 

Passing only briefly, she pushed the door open, watching as he sleepily sat up, rubbing his eyes, yawning, and stared at her. His hair was all on ends.

“Rey?”

She closed the door, stripped, and climbed in beside him. 

She wouldn’t allow him to turn on his light, so instead, they fumbled in the dark, their eyes adjusting to the light of the stars. She hated the thought that Bazine had been its the same bed as her, pressed her lips to his, felt his body against hers. In retaliation, she turned on Ben; biting his lips, scratching his back like a wildcat, mocking him. In turn, he pinned her down, turned her around so her face was buried in the pillow, pulled her hair, and had his way with her. At her request, he wound his hands about her throat and sank his teeth into her shoulders, making her scream. 

He turned her back over, pinning her down by her wrists with his hands, her ankles upon his shoulders. 

“Ben,” she gasped. “Ben, please, can you hit me?”

He paused. “I don’t want to do that, Rey.”

She burst into tears; nosily, snot dripping, mouth agape, near howling into the night. Ben pulled out of her and scooped her up like a baby, holding her against his chest and rocking her gently. He whispered soothing words to her as she cried. 

“I’m here, Rey, I’m here. You’re safe, I promise, I’m here, nothing will harm you, it’s okay, let it out, it’s okay, you’re safe.”

Her cries turned from hiccups to stillness. He held her all the while and when she stilled, kissed the top of her head. He helped her put on a shirt of his, which covered her hands and fell to her knees and tucked her into bed. He slept on the floor, only taking a pillow and blanket after she’d insisted. 

“Goodnight, Ben.”

“Goodnight, Rey.”

He awoke to Rey lying on his chest, like a baby otter. He slid her carefully into his arms, so as not to wake her, and placed her back upon the bed, tucking her in one more. He sat at the edge staring at her; the low winter sun catching her hair turning it auburn, her freckles like star constellations across her cheeks, her soft mouth slightly parted. He watched as she blocked awake, yawning, and stretching out. Then she caught sight of him and giggled, kicking him lightly.

“Weirdo. Watching me sleep.”

“You looked very peaceful.” He protested, allowing her to pull him down beside her. “And beautiful.”

She blushed and kissed him, sweetly, briefly. 

“Rey, what did you mean, or who did you mean, by go spend time with?”

She turned away, looking at the ceiling, and muttered darkly. He tried again, something clicking in his brain.

“Wait, did you mean Bazine?”

“I saw you two together.”

“Together?”

“I saw her coming on to you.”

“Then you also saw me push her away.”

She fell silent. He sighed and reached out for her hand, hovering over her folded ones. She took his within her own yet didn’t turn to face him. 

“Rey… It’s only you. And please don’t look so taken aback. You know why I’ve been coming here every day. Why and for whom. It’s not exactly news to you. For months now, I’ve been abandoning my medical practice to come here looking for you – why are you so surprised?”

“Because!” She huffed, sitting up and turning towards him. “I asked you and you said, it’s hopeless and you wouldn’t care if I confessed.”

“If you… What? When?”

“When I asked what would your reaction be if there was someone younger than you loved you and you said- stop laughing!”

“How was I meant to know that was you?” He caught her in his arms, not allowing her to wriggle away. “Huh? How? I thought you were playing some silly game, no, stop wriggling or I’ll pin you down again… Right.” With fluidity, he swung his leg over her body so he was straddling her and, catching her hands in his, pinned her down one more, his hips framed by her knees. He grinned and kissed her cheeks, her nose, her forehead.

“You already know I’m yours.” He murmured before kissing her lips. He related her, sitting up, his fingers beginning to undo the buttons on his shirt which she wore. Rey sighed, smiling, and sank back into the pillow. She felt him freeze, heard his sharp intake of breath, and opened her eyes to see him staring at her chest. 

The red marks under her collarbones.

“R-Rey?” Something caught in his voice, something different to the catch only seconds previously. Rey made to tug away from him but he moved faster, his fingers undoing the rest and half pulling the shirt from her body so part of her arms was exposed to him. It was enough. 

He climbed off her, sitting on the edge of the bed, not moving whilst Rey drew the shirt back around her, pulling the blanket off the floor onto her body so she was hidden. He stood when she made towards the door.

“Let me look. They may be infected, depending on what you…. Tetanus.” 

“Glass doesn’t cause tetanus.”

“Shards may be caught in the-”

“I cleaned them myself. Leave me alone. This was a mistake. A one-off.”

“Rey-”

“Merry Christmas, Ben.”

He crossed the room, pushing the door shut as she tried to open it. She glared at him.

“Let me pass.”

“When did you… Why?”

“Why?” She laughed. “You’ve seen how I live and you ask me why. You heard what I thought that… It was… It doesn’t matter!” 

His hands curled around her shoulders, a familiar warmth spreading over her. “We can leave. You don’t have to be here past today, past the hour, we can go today, now, if you say the word.”

“Where would we go? You live in the village, they’ll find us.”

“Somewhere else. Another country for all it matters.”

“I can’t.”

“Of course you can.”

“No, I need to stay here and look after-”

“A man who holds no respect or love for anything, much less you?” 

“He’ll be dead soon. And then-”

“So, we leave then come back when he’s dead and you can claim this for yours.” He reasoned. 

“Why do you care?”

He faltered, knowing, and not knowing the words. Rey sighed and pushed him off, making to leave once more. Ben knelt, in front of her, between her and the door, his head bowed. 

“Here. Take me. Devour me.”

Rey didn’t move. He lifted his head, his eyes glistening. 

“I’m leaving today, I shan’t visit again, but listen –“

He took her hand. She let him. 

“Let’s get on with it, tell me where we can meet. Tell me quickly. Where? Someone may come in, so just say where.”

“I promise you –“

Ben stood, their bodies now pressed together with only a couple of layers of fabric between them. Rey felt overheated within the shirt and blanket, despite the cold day. Her hands twisted as if to drop them, to press her naked torso against his once more and have him take her to bed. Instead, she tightened her hold upon the fabric. 

“No promises. No promises necessary. In fact, no words necessary. Let’s meet tomorrow, just name the place.” He put his arms around her waist. “It’s going to happen. You know it is. It has to. We’re going to leave.”

He kissed her. Their tears mingled with the taste of their lips.

“Tomorrow. At two. At the plantation. Yes? Yes? You’ll be there?”

❄️🎄❄️

He left after lunch with hope in his heart. 

Rey stayed with fear in hers.

She did not meet him at the plantation the next day either.

She did not lay eyes upon Ben Solo until the trees had regrown flowers and baby animals began to take their first steps. 

☀️🌷☀️

The house was silent aside from their sighs. He made her scream in a way none of the new stable boys had. She made his body writhe in a way none of the women of the village had. They each other maps, full of familiar territory yet so much to discover. They lay on opposite sides of the bed after, catching their breath, staring at the ceiling. 

“You said that you would stop visiting this house.”

“I remember. I’m leaving now.”

No movement was made, silence stretched between them like a chasm. 

“You got frightened, didn’t you?” He took her hand. She let him. “Is the thought of me really so terrifying?”

“Yes.”

“Meet me tomorrow.”

“No. It’s definite.” She turned to her side, to face him and he mimicked the movement so their eyes met across the sheets. “I’d ask only one thing. Don’t think badly of me. More than anything, I want that.”

Ben growled, dropping her hand and beginning to retrieve his clothes from the floor and pulling them on, roughly. 

“You should stay, you know.” He began, his voice low and rising in volume as he spoke. “It’s inevitable, sooner or later, that you’ll give in to what you’re feeling. And, when that happens, I’ll be far away, I won’t be able to help you. But you don’t want my help so whatever. Stay in this beautiful, rotten house and become like it for all I care.”

“You are ridiculous, you know.” She exploded, standing up and tugging her clothes on. “I’m furious with you, but as we shan’t ever meet again, so I might as well tell you: I was slightly infatuated with you. So there it is. Let’s shake hands and part as friends.”

Once their clothes were in a presentable manner, they shook hands. 

“You’d better go.”

“As I am, I’ll let you know I was slightly infatuated with you too.”

Rey took the pencil from his breast pocket of his blazer and held it into her hand. “I’m going to take this pencil to remember you by.”

“Fine. I’m going to kiss you goodbye now. Yes?’

“Yes.” She presented her cheek and he kissed it dutifully. Both closed their eyes, breathing in the scent of the other for a final time. Then they pulled away. 

“Great. Good luck to you.”

“And you.”

Before either could stop themselves, they fell into one another, impulsively. Kissing as though they were drowning and the other was water. Hands grasped at one another as he drove her backward into the wall. Her hands went to his belt, unbuckling and undoing his trousers in a swift action as he lifted her skirts, tugging her underwear from her. He lifted her easily, her legs wrapping around his waist as he took her, powerfully thrusting into her. Rey buried her face into his neck as she cried out, hearing his pants in her ear, his hands gripping her thighs, holding her up. She clutched his hair as her body shook, pleasure breaking over her like a wave. She cried out as he groaned into her ear, his body shaking, his face burying into her hair. 

Then he released her. Slowly, so she would not fall. He turned, tucking himself back into his clothing. He picked up her torn underwear and tucked them into his pocket. Rey made no move to stop him. They stepped further away from each other; her along the wall towards the corner, him towards the door. 

“And now I must go.” He didn’t move. Rey swallowed and told a lie.

“I don’t want to see you anymore, Ben.” _Because it’ll hurt too much._

His face became that mask which she hated. 

“Bye, Rey.”

He left the room and only then did she allow her tears to fall. Rey sank to the floor, his body folding like paper, and cried into her arm. The door banged open and she looked up, hope gripping her heart yet it was only her grandfather. The hope evaporated.

“What are you doing, you useless girl?” Palpatine crossed the room, grasping her by the arm and hauling her upwards. “You have work to do.”

Something snapped inside of her like a rubber band. Rey shoved her grandfather with both hands away from her, smiling at the look of pure shock on his face as he stumbled backward.

“I told you I’d reach the very edge of what I can put up with. I’m leaving.”

“You can’t leave! You have to stay and look after me.”

“You have Bazine.” She tore about her room, picking up her clothes, her doll, her flowers. “You have Snoke. Now, get out of my way.”

“Are you off to ride into the sunset with that doctor?” He sneered, not moving. Rey kept her face impassable. “You deserve each other, both of you weak, lonely-”

“We’re not.” She said quietly. “Get out of my way. I won’t say it again.”

He didn’t move. Rey tensed herself and then swung to her left so her foot made direct contact with the middle of his chest. She caught the sigh to his eyes wide, his mouth in an ‘O’ before he tumbled to the ground. She leaped over him and ran from the house, her sparse belongings clutched to her chest. Once outside, the spring air warming her, she spotted Ben heading down the country road and ran as fast as she could, mud splashing under her feet, calling out to him;

“Ben, wait! Ben! Stop! Ben! Wait, Ben!” 

He stopped and she skidded in front of him panting, clutching her sides from a stitch yet she pushed away his hands when he reached for her, shaking her head.

“I… I on… I only c-came to say that you were always nice. I don’t… want you leaving thinking I hate you. Because. I don’t. I rather love you, actually. I think. I’ve never been in love but I think this is what it feels like. S-sorry.” She stammered. “And you were right, I was scared. I was being weak and stupid. Thank you. I’ve left. For good. I’ll go back when he’s dead to kick Bazine and Snoke out and claim my house but until then I’d like to be with you.”

He didn’t move. Rey felt her face crumple, a lump enter her throat. 

“Oh, okay. I see. I get it, you don’t- I mean- I… never mind. Have a good life.” She made to pass him, to walk the other way.

“Rey.” He stepped in her path. “You told me you didn’t want to see me anymore. But the idea of forgetting anything about you is kind of horrifying to me. I still have that impulse to be available to you. For anything. And I’ve never been in love either but I guess this is what it’s like.”

Whilst he spoke, she began to smile. By the time he had finished, it stretched from ear to ear. Rey went towards him, she took his hand. He let her. He curved to her will, their lips meeting in the middle, sealing their pact. 

**Author's Note:**

> Credit:
> 
> Florence and the Machine for the title.
> 
> William Shakespeare for Romeo and Juliet and the lines 'If I profane with my unworthiest hand this holy shrine, the gentle sin is this / My lips, two blushing pilgrims, ready stand to smooth that rough touch with a tender kiss.'
> 
> Anton Chekhov for the storyline inspiration and lines. 
> 
> -
> 
> Thank you to you, dear reader, for reading my work! 💜


End file.
